On my Own..........

I thought I could do it. That’s what I repeated to myself time and over again as I nervously shoved my clothes into the bag and started pacing the room for the third time in a row. I knew it was easy and plain but the little voice in the back of my head diluted my belief. More than anything else my sister’s nervousness and doubt was getting on my nerves. But I had to do it. I was left with no option after all. After an hour and half I was climbing through the doors of a blue coloured air-conditioned bus dragging my oversized bag and my laptop sloping down my shoulder. I searched for a seat preferably with a women or girl but found none, so my next instinct was to look for the most decent and well- dressed man I could find with an empty seat by his side of course! As I scanned the faces of the strangers staring back at me I hurried and sat at the nearest empty seat I could find which was nearly at the end of the bus. I settled in and wished I had travelled at night. It was a familiar activity and one I was getting rather accustomed to. I liked the dark. I found solace and peace when I knew the people around me couldn’t see me or my face. I didn’t have to keep my emotions in check everytime. Light had its own advantages too but I always preferred the dark. I closed my eyes to get over the nauseating feeling I get everytime I am on a bus or feel claustrophobic. It was bright outside but the air still held the promise of the December cold. I shifted the curtains to shield my eyes and tried to nap but in vain. Sleep was elusive and the driver made it a point that we stay awake. He dangerously swayed the bus after every few minutes or hit the brakes so hard that we had to hold onto anything that we could find to keep us from being thrown out of our seats. I hate video coaches and adding to my dismay here I was........ sitting in one. The movie started and I tried to watch it for sometime but I was too restless to concentrate. So I took my i-pod out of my bag and thrust the ear-phones into my ears. Music soothes me when I am not sensitive. But it was not a day I could numb my sensitivity with my indifference. “An idle mind is a devil’s workshop.” So they came, the tormenting and excruciating memories. The ones I often try to avoid to keep my sanity intact. I tried to concentrate on the music and soon got absorbed in it. It’s not until I hear the song “I don’t want to” by Aerosmith that I snap my eyes open and reprimand myself for not deleting it from my playlist. I had listened to my entire playlist for the fifth time when we finally reached Delhi and the nauseating feeling at the pit of my stomach returned.
I called my sister and she hurried through the instructions once more just to make sure I got there safe and sound and more importantly in “one piece” as she said it. I got down from the bus and hurried through the flock of cab and auto drivers screaming at the top of their lungs about going to places I vaguely recalled I heard the names of. As I wheeled my luggage through the crowd and uneven ground I didn’t pay much attention to where I was heading and ended up near a holed wall the remains of which was still lying on the other side of it. I climbed through the hole and it took me over a minute to finally get my luggage on the other side. As I started climbing the stairs with the bone-crashing, heavy bag I was disgusted with myself for bringing so many clothes and shoes!!!!
The toughest part of my journey began now. I had to travel by metro to my relative’s place and they would receive me from there. The plan was simple and uncomplicated if one knew which metro and line to take. I knew I had to take the yellow line first but as I approached the map red, yellow, blue...all the colours swam across and I thought I was colourblind. Frantically I searched for a helping face who wouldn’t misguide me and asked a girl passing by which platform was for the yellow line. The girl guided me well but I guess the cloud of misfortune was still over-pouring on me. As I descended the stairs contemplating what to do next I missed a step and rolled down. I clutched the railing nearby but the bag I was holding was still rolling down due to its high inertia and pulled me a few steps further before I could finally get hold of it. The amazing part of this entire incident was nobody came to help. I didn’t know what to think of it. I spared myself this thought at that time and dusted myself off and continued my way.
The train finally came and I realised getting on that train was an impossible task. It looked like an agitated mob awaited its arrival just to throw in this case, themselves into it. I prayed to god to help me and with all the courage I could muster boarded the train. There was no air to breathe. I swooned and my knuckles were turning white with the effort to hold on to the over-head railing. People were getting down and I found myself breathing again. I waited for my station to come and got down. I had to take another train in the blue line now. I took the escalators this time. I didn’t want to risk breaking my back or hand. This time as I waited for the train a plan struck me. People getting into the train used to rush in so fast that I had to elbow my way through them and with the bag in one hand and laptop in another it was rather difficult. So I just stood at the front of the line and when the train came people pushed me into the train themselves!!!! No effort needed there!!!! The train was over-flowing with people and there was no seat. Even the ladies’ seats were occupied by men!!! It was not until a lady started shouting that these were ladies’ seats that a few men who still had a little dignity left in them stood up. I was standing as well. I looked around and found many people needing those seats more than I did. For the next one hour I stood and continued to watch the people around me. I wasn’t a very observant person until recently and now it amazes me how each individual differs from the other but is still similar in some way. I was supposed to go to Dwarka sector 10 and I didn’t know what to do now because the train stopped at Dwarka and that was the last stop. I got down and looked for a lift or an escalator but alas misfortune follows me like a faithful dog!!!!! As I carried my bag down the stairs, a man offered to help. Although relieved and thankful but I was also cautious of such generous strangers. I gave him my bag and walked by his side and as soon as we reached the bottom of the stairs I took my bag from him. I got the next train to where my relative was supposed to come and pick me up from. I got into the car and sighed relief. Finally I did it.....an overwhelming happiness spread through me as I sat in the car and drifted off to sleep........