Keeping up Pretences

We live in a world of pretences. We spend most part of our lives pretending to be someone we think we are or pretending to be someone the world expects us to be. We pretend to like, pretend to dislike out of the fear of being outcasted. Because if we say we don't like something which everybody likes, we are tagged as 'weird', 'strange', 'crazy'. We pretend to be happy when we are sad and pretend to cry for things we no longer feel sorry for. We pretend to be friends with someone even if we can't stand them, we pretend to hate that weird guy in class even if we secretly like him. We pretend that our lives are perfect when in reality we are broken inside. 

Pictures of newlyweds, of babies, of food, of holidays, of every single moment in everybody's life. Status updates, pictures floods my facebook timeline saying that everybody is so happy and content with their lives. 

In today's world if you tell a lie long enough, it begins to sound like the truth. We lie to our families, to our friends, to our colleagues, to everyone we know and we lie to ourselves. Sometimes I wonder if I should envy the people who can live on pretences but I don't think they have any fewer nightmares than I do. Living a life of pretence doesn't simply alter who you are, but it obliterates your true nature, your true character, it effaces you into obliviousness. You live a lie, a lie which no one knows but you and its a lie you carry to your grave. Your whole life is a facade and you have lived so long in it that you no longer can distinguish between the facade of a life that is yours and the reality which could have been. 

Live today, Live now!!!

Its a weird human nature - we can't help but want the present to exhaust in lightening speed so that we can start living the future we envision ourselves in. But this period in my life has been a time when I just wanted to live in the present, not waiting to live my life in the future but at this very moment in time and space where I have finally learnt something most people acknowledge only on their death bed.

An unacknowledged fear lurked around the corner of my heart for quite sometime and when I finally endorsed it I realised  - I do not want to regret not doing something I wanted to and die. I do not want to regret 'Not Living' my life the way I wanted to. Most of the time looking around I saw people waiting for their life to finally head the way they wanted it to, finally start 'Living' their life, to finally get out of their comfort zone, finally laugh a bit harder, think a bit deeper, jump a bit higher.  Everybody seems to be waiting for something but they don't even know what it is, so I wondered how  they'll know when that 'something' does come by!!!

We spend a lifetime saving up to go for the perfect vacation, for the perfect gift, for that new car, that dream house and I am not against saving or anything, infact I strongly believe in the concept of saving up for unforeseen expenses but what I don't understand is giving up my life now, not indulging even in the daily pleasures but waiting to enjoy life at some point in the future. What if that moment never comes, what if the dreams grow bigger (which is usually the case) and all you do your entire life is save up for a life to want to start living and before you know it,  life leaves you. Scary thought isn't it? Maybe I am painting quite a horrific picture but thats what happens to most people.

So stop being a mere spectator of your life passing by. It is tragedy to not accept what has been the greatest gift to you and to waste it being just a fraction of who you could have been, or worse not realising what you could have been.

The French Conundrum

Its been almost a year since I first landed in France and each time any encounter with the "FRENCH ADMINISTRATION" has left me (and many others I know) flabbergasted. As I elucidate my experiences it shall be lucid to one and all why the French Administration is one of the biggest conundrums in the universe yet to be fathomed by man!!!

First encounter with the French administration upon arrival - Need to sign a rental contract for residence and open a French bank account. You see, in France, in order to obtain a rental contract one needs a bank account in that country and in order to have a bank account in that country one needs a residence in that country. I could not prove my rental contract until i got my bank account and I couldn't get a bank account until I got a rental contract. This I called the "Hen or the Egg first" conundrum. It was then I realised where and how the famous "Devil wears Prada" originated from.

My second encounter was when I had to apply for the so called "Housing Aid" the french government  benevolently provides to the students here. Its not an "AID" trust me. Its a quagmire you will never get out of. They ask you all the possible documents one could ever have ( or not have). Then after an era of finally managing to acquire these documents and submitting them, they tell you that its no point anymore because they have closed your request. So you decide to give it up and go on with your life, secretly relieved of finally being able to get out of that morass. But just when you think that you have escaped the blackhole you get drawn into the system again by the requests for more documents in order to reactivate your request. But you ignore them for sometime until the frequency of the letters increase furthermore because they really want to give you the money you do not wish to take any longer. So after almost a year of sending your request you still are sending documents which you have submitted a zillion times before and they keep on sending you requests for the same documents over and over again. I think if I keep on sending more documents I will break-even the cost of all the stamps, photocopies, print-outs and envelopes I had sent them (if they ever give me the money.)

My third encounter was when I had to change my address on my residence card (as told by the prefecture) after I moved to another place for my internship. I had to submit a plethora of documents again (nothing extraordinary anymore, but even my birth certificate, god knows why!) to the new prefecture. And after waiting for 5 months to receive a reply when I visited them again asking what happened to my request, they nonchalantly replied that it was unnecessary! When I told them that the previous prefecture told me to, they shrugged and said they cannot change it. It seemed like a sinister mind was playing tricks with you for its own amusement.

My fourth encounter is (present tense because I am still struggling with it) when I applied for my residence card again for the second year and they wanted me to get the job contract for the same. But the people in my office say that they cannot give me a job contract till I have the residence card!!! So here I go again!! In another wild goose chase, running to the prefecture every other day where every time someone hands me a different set of documents they require from me and each time i ask my company for it they say that they can give it to me only after the residence card is issued!!!

Being from India I thought our administrative system was as bad as it could get but the French have definitely changed my opinion on that if not anything else. So here I am bracing myself for another long crusade and I ask "Mais encore?" 

2013 - The End

2013 has been a year of loss and learning. I had failed academically, professionally, personally and health-wise. It was the year when the world rejected me….. Sometimes for not being good enough, sometimes for being an outsider, sometimes for not having a social status as good as theirs. 

It was a year I had lost it all. My faith in humanity, my love and my courage……. Here I was all alone in a foreign land on one of the most celebrated festivals of the year, Christmas and I had just got the news that one of my family member had expired. I sat on my bed for a long time…. unable to grasp the things that were going around me. 

Everything was changing, everybody was changing. Change is good right???? But then why did it feel so wrong. Here I was sad for the things and situations I couldn't change and wanted them to or for the things and people changing when I didn't want them to. Some wise man once said something like this… 'Change the things you can and let go of the things you can't.' Well dear Mr Wise Man…… Let me tell you something….. Its not as easy as you make it sound!!!!!

And the weirdest thing about this year was… It ended exactly the way it started for me….. with rain pouring all over me…. drenching and freezing me. 

They say God never gives you more than you can handle….. but I wish he didn't trust me so much. Goodbye 2013.....No….I don't hate you and I will never forget you…..But I do sincerely wish that you won't haunt me anymore…..

Say something I'm giving up on you…….

Did it ever happen to you that you could totally connect to a song? When you felt that it was specially made for you. It touches you in ways you didn't even know existed…. Thats the beauty of music….

Out of immense heartbreak.....

What is a rape? For me it is not only a sexual assault but much more than that. I feel each and every day hundreds and thousands of us are raped. And I am not only talking about women.

We are ruled by a bunch of inept people who rape us everyday. They make public comments and try to pass laws which are nowhere near to the solutions which should be given and thats how they rape us everyday. They tell us to wear overcoats to stop being raped!!! They tell us to stay at home and not go out at night to stop being raped!!! They tell us not to have chow mien and cold drinks because that gets us raped!!!

Does any of these solutions make any sense to any sane and smart person. The reason I am saying sane and smart is because it is evident that these politicians certainly do not have these qualities!!! Why are we still electing these people!!! Why are we allowing ourselves to be ruled by a bunch of parochial old heads who are only pulling us down. Who will never grow and neither let us develop.

We had globalised and liberalised our economy in the 90s but our minds, our society is still in the shackles of our yester years. What we need now is the liberalisation of our society, liberalisation of our thoughts and our culture. What we need now are leaders who are courageous enough to convict the criminals and not blame the rape survivor saying she asked for it!!!!

When I try to think about the main root of our problem, I see that the roots are far stretched,wide and deep. There isn't one particular reason but its a amalgamation of several  things, several thoughts which have been instilled into our minds since we are born and which we are taught to cling onto till our death and even worse, kill anyone who defies those norms in the name of culture!!!! What is our culture!!!! This is certainly not my culture. I would never want to be associated with it if it is this.

I am so sick of all this now. I think I am glad that I am no longer in that place. Its not that I don't love my country its just that I have developed immense loathe for its AAM ADMI now!!!!!

Scribbling my thoughts......

With the entire nation fuming over the inhuman sexual assault of a young twenty three year old girl in the capital a few days back, there is a harsh reality that the nation and its vigilant citizens is facing today. Will our daughters, our sisters, our mothers and wives ever be safe in this nation? And the sad thing is....these horrendous incidents are happening all over the country.....

A lot of people are protesting about it on the streets. Many experts are commenting on how such incidents should be handled. How the culprits ought to be punished. I personally feel there will be no change whatsoever. Call me a pessimist but I know I was never one of them until I realised that every system, be it the police, the courts and the laws, the medical reports of victims......everything is manipulated. Everything is controlled like puppets with strings and what appals me is there is no honesty left in any of these systems anymore. If one is honest, then they are either transferred, threatened, abducted or worse....killed!!!!

So many things need changes.....need reformations. The government for start needs to be changed. Sometimes I wonder how come these people got elected in the first place!!! This only reflects what we are as citizens.

Second, the police force needs to realise that they are appointed to serve us and not abuse their power on us. The police force ought to realise that they are an independent body whose objective is to help the citizens and not harass them.

Thirdly, I have a personal request to the media to try not to sell news but to give the people a true picture of a situation and incident. The media personalities have a social responsibility like no other I believe because how they portray an incident determines the public response to that situation.

I also believe the courts have a responsibility towards the citizens to give them justice in a fast a swift manner. It's sad to know that many people have died with their cases still pending in courts.

And these are just a few places to start from. I know its easier said than done. But I think the people of this nation have suffered a lot and it seems to me that the worst is yet to come. We don't need a Gandhi now, we don't need a Bhagat Singh......we want hundreds and thousands of them.

May the good win over evil......Let there be light again.....Amen....