Keeping up Pretences

We live in a world of pretences. We spend most part of our lives pretending to be someone we think we are or pretending to be someone the world expects us to be. We pretend to like, pretend to dislike out of the fear of being outcasted. Because if we say we don't like something which everybody likes, we are tagged as 'weird', 'strange', 'crazy'. We pretend to be happy when we are sad and pretend to cry for things we no longer feel sorry for. We pretend to be friends with someone even if we can't stand them, we pretend to hate that weird guy in class even if we secretly like him. We pretend that our lives are perfect when in reality we are broken inside. 

Pictures of newlyweds, of babies, of food, of holidays, of every single moment in everybody's life. Status updates, pictures floods my facebook timeline saying that everybody is so happy and content with their lives. 

In today's world if you tell a lie long enough, it begins to sound like the truth. We lie to our families, to our friends, to our colleagues, to everyone we know and we lie to ourselves. Sometimes I wonder if I should envy the people who can live on pretences but I don't think they have any fewer nightmares than I do. Living a life of pretence doesn't simply alter who you are, but it obliterates your true nature, your true character, it effaces you into obliviousness. You live a lie, a lie which no one knows but you and its a lie you carry to your grave. Your whole life is a facade and you have lived so long in it that you no longer can distinguish between the facade of a life that is yours and the reality which could have been. 

Live today, Live now!!!

Its a weird human nature - we can't help but want the present to exhaust in lightening speed so that we can start living the future we envision ourselves in. But this period in my life has been a time when I just wanted to live in the present, not waiting to live my life in the future but at this very moment in time and space where I have finally learnt something most people acknowledge only on their death bed.

An unacknowledged fear lurked around the corner of my heart for quite sometime and when I finally endorsed it I realised  - I do not want to regret not doing something I wanted to and die. I do not want to regret 'Not Living' my life the way I wanted to. Most of the time looking around I saw people waiting for their life to finally head the way they wanted it to, finally start 'Living' their life, to finally get out of their comfort zone, finally laugh a bit harder, think a bit deeper, jump a bit higher.  Everybody seems to be waiting for something but they don't even know what it is, so I wondered how  they'll know when that 'something' does come by!!!

We spend a lifetime saving up to go for the perfect vacation, for the perfect gift, for that new car, that dream house and I am not against saving or anything, infact I strongly believe in the concept of saving up for unforeseen expenses but what I don't understand is giving up my life now, not indulging even in the daily pleasures but waiting to enjoy life at some point in the future. What if that moment never comes, what if the dreams grow bigger (which is usually the case) and all you do your entire life is save up for a life to want to start living and before you know it,  life leaves you. Scary thought isn't it? Maybe I am painting quite a horrific picture but thats what happens to most people.

So stop being a mere spectator of your life passing by. It is tragedy to not accept what has been the greatest gift to you and to waste it being just a fraction of who you could have been, or worse not realising what you could have been.

The French Conundrum

Its been almost a year since I first landed in France and each time any encounter with the "FRENCH ADMINISTRATION" has left me (and many others I know) flabbergasted. As I elucidate my experiences it shall be lucid to one and all why the French Administration is one of the biggest conundrums in the universe yet to be fathomed by man!!!

First encounter with the French administration upon arrival - Need to sign a rental contract for residence and open a French bank account. You see, in France, in order to obtain a rental contract one needs a bank account in that country and in order to have a bank account in that country one needs a residence in that country. I could not prove my rental contract until i got my bank account and I couldn't get a bank account until I got a rental contract. This I called the "Hen or the Egg first" conundrum. It was then I realised where and how the famous "Devil wears Prada" originated from.

My second encounter was when I had to apply for the so called "Housing Aid" the french government  benevolently provides to the students here. Its not an "AID" trust me. Its a quagmire you will never get out of. They ask you all the possible documents one could ever have ( or not have). Then after an era of finally managing to acquire these documents and submitting them, they tell you that its no point anymore because they have closed your request. So you decide to give it up and go on with your life, secretly relieved of finally being able to get out of that morass. But just when you think that you have escaped the blackhole you get drawn into the system again by the requests for more documents in order to reactivate your request. But you ignore them for sometime until the frequency of the letters increase furthermore because they really want to give you the money you do not wish to take any longer. So after almost a year of sending your request you still are sending documents which you have submitted a zillion times before and they keep on sending you requests for the same documents over and over again. I think if I keep on sending more documents I will break-even the cost of all the stamps, photocopies, print-outs and envelopes I had sent them (if they ever give me the money.)

My third encounter was when I had to change my address on my residence card (as told by the prefecture) after I moved to another place for my internship. I had to submit a plethora of documents again (nothing extraordinary anymore, but even my birth certificate, god knows why!) to the new prefecture. And after waiting for 5 months to receive a reply when I visited them again asking what happened to my request, they nonchalantly replied that it was unnecessary! When I told them that the previous prefecture told me to, they shrugged and said they cannot change it. It seemed like a sinister mind was playing tricks with you for its own amusement.

My fourth encounter is (present tense because I am still struggling with it) when I applied for my residence card again for the second year and they wanted me to get the job contract for the same. But the people in my office say that they cannot give me a job contract till I have the residence card!!! So here I go again!! In another wild goose chase, running to the prefecture every other day where every time someone hands me a different set of documents they require from me and each time i ask my company for it they say that they can give it to me only after the residence card is issued!!!

Being from India I thought our administrative system was as bad as it could get but the French have definitely changed my opinion on that if not anything else. So here I am bracing myself for another long crusade and I ask "Mais encore?" 

2013 - The End

2013 has been a year of loss and learning. I had failed academically, professionally, personally and health-wise. It was the year when the world rejected me….. Sometimes for not being good enough, sometimes for being an outsider, sometimes for not having a social status as good as theirs. 

It was a year I had lost it all. My faith in humanity, my love and my courage……. Here I was all alone in a foreign land on one of the most celebrated festivals of the year, Christmas and I had just got the news that one of my family member had expired. I sat on my bed for a long time…. unable to grasp the things that were going around me. 

Everything was changing, everybody was changing. Change is good right???? But then why did it feel so wrong. Here I was sad for the things and situations I couldn't change and wanted them to or for the things and people changing when I didn't want them to. Some wise man once said something like this… 'Change the things you can and let go of the things you can't.' Well dear Mr Wise Man…… Let me tell you something….. Its not as easy as you make it sound!!!!!

And the weirdest thing about this year was… It ended exactly the way it started for me….. with rain pouring all over me…. drenching and freezing me. 

They say God never gives you more than you can handle….. but I wish he didn't trust me so much. Goodbye 2013.....No….I don't hate you and I will never forget you…..But I do sincerely wish that you won't haunt me anymore…..

Say something I'm giving up on you…….

Did it ever happen to you that you could totally connect to a song? When you felt that it was specially made for you. It touches you in ways you didn't even know existed…. Thats the beauty of music….

Out of immense heartbreak.....

What is a rape? For me it is not only a sexual assault but much more than that. I feel each and every day hundreds and thousands of us are raped. And I am not only talking about women.

We are ruled by a bunch of inept people who rape us everyday. They make public comments and try to pass laws which are nowhere near to the solutions which should be given and thats how they rape us everyday. They tell us to wear overcoats to stop being raped!!! They tell us to stay at home and not go out at night to stop being raped!!! They tell us not to have chow mien and cold drinks because that gets us raped!!!

Does any of these solutions make any sense to any sane and smart person. The reason I am saying sane and smart is because it is evident that these politicians certainly do not have these qualities!!! Why are we still electing these people!!! Why are we allowing ourselves to be ruled by a bunch of parochial old heads who are only pulling us down. Who will never grow and neither let us develop.

We had globalised and liberalised our economy in the 90s but our minds, our society is still in the shackles of our yester years. What we need now is the liberalisation of our society, liberalisation of our thoughts and our culture. What we need now are leaders who are courageous enough to convict the criminals and not blame the rape survivor saying she asked for it!!!!

When I try to think about the main root of our problem, I see that the roots are far stretched,wide and deep. There isn't one particular reason but its a amalgamation of several  things, several thoughts which have been instilled into our minds since we are born and which we are taught to cling onto till our death and even worse, kill anyone who defies those norms in the name of culture!!!! What is our culture!!!! This is certainly not my culture. I would never want to be associated with it if it is this.

I am so sick of all this now. I think I am glad that I am no longer in that place. Its not that I don't love my country its just that I have developed immense loathe for its AAM ADMI now!!!!!

Scribbling my thoughts......

With the entire nation fuming over the inhuman sexual assault of a young twenty three year old girl in the capital a few days back, there is a harsh reality that the nation and its vigilant citizens is facing today. Will our daughters, our sisters, our mothers and wives ever be safe in this nation? And the sad thing is....these horrendous incidents are happening all over the country.....

A lot of people are protesting about it on the streets. Many experts are commenting on how such incidents should be handled. How the culprits ought to be punished. I personally feel there will be no change whatsoever. Call me a pessimist but I know I was never one of them until I realised that every system, be it the police, the courts and the laws, the medical reports of victims......everything is manipulated. Everything is controlled like puppets with strings and what appals me is there is no honesty left in any of these systems anymore. If one is honest, then they are either transferred, threatened, abducted or worse....killed!!!!

So many things need changes.....need reformations. The government for start needs to be changed. Sometimes I wonder how come these people got elected in the first place!!! This only reflects what we are as citizens.

Second, the police force needs to realise that they are appointed to serve us and not abuse their power on us. The police force ought to realise that they are an independent body whose objective is to help the citizens and not harass them.

Thirdly, I have a personal request to the media to try not to sell news but to give the people a true picture of a situation and incident. The media personalities have a social responsibility like no other I believe because how they portray an incident determines the public response to that situation.

I also believe the courts have a responsibility towards the citizens to give them justice in a fast a swift manner. It's sad to know that many people have died with their cases still pending in courts.

And these are just a few places to start from. I know its easier said than done. But I think the people of this nation have suffered a lot and it seems to me that the worst is yet to come. We don't need a Gandhi now, we don't need a Bhagat Singh......we want hundreds and thousands of them.

May the good win over evil......Let there be light again.....Amen....

Swaraj????? Scam-Raj !!!!!

Just a few days ago Indians celebrated their 65th Independence day. Sixty five years back the country yearned and fought for its Swaraj against the British. Reading about Gandhiji, Bhagat Singh was very inspiring when I was younger. I recall penning down many an essays glorifying this day and feeling my heart swell up with pride.

But today I see a country where honesty is just a policy,the judiciary system has dismayingly failed to uphold its standards and the police is simply a puppet in the hands of the ruling party. The parliament is the defaming apex of the nation where one finds the leaders of the nation dozing off, fighting like cats and dogs or even worse.....watching porn in their phones!!! Each session is either marked by a walk off by the opposition or is adjourned by the Speaker. The CBI is a spineless organisation which has not been able to solve a single case in totality for years now. We are still entertaining Pakistani terrorist Kasab in our jail with five star service instead of executing him for his crime!!! We still have reservations right from schools to colleges to promotion in jobs for more than half of the population now and still where are we heading to???

We would like to think of ourselves as a developing nation but I would like to ask....where is the development?? We are building apartments but we are killing for possession rights. We are educating our daughters only to kill them when they don't bring dowry along!!! We are giving farmers free electricity and watching them kill themselves out of poverty!!! We are giving free computers to village children but there is no electricity!!! We are fighting and killing each other in the name of religion and community!!!
I think people have got the wrong idea about development. Its not development if you are turning into a savage!!!!

And coming down to the developmental plans by the government. Well they are all laid down in paper and their existence is witnessed by those papers alone. The Government draws five year plans which they fail to complete even in 10 years and even worse....some just wither in those files never seeing daylight in their lifetime!!! The development is swallowed up by the money sucking demons we have chosen to rule us. All the money laundered in various scams...the 2G, Adarsh, Coalgate ( just a few of the latest ones) amount to crores of rupees. Even a percent of that used and maybe some of those developmental plans would have been completed in 4 years!!! But who would even think about it? Those who do either end up like Baba Ramdev or Anna Hazare!!! Fighting for a cause very few believe in and even fewer actually dedicate their life for.

As for me..... I would just like to say that.... Swaraj is obsolete.....Scam-Raj is in vogue now!!!!

Khoob-Surat.....

I thought I was not the kind of person who would get emotional during goodbyes. Since I was used to bidding goodbyes to so many people so many times. But this time it was different. I felt the sting in the eyes bidding this place and its people goodbye.

I had been in Surat for the past one year. My first job was in Reliance Industries Limited, Surat. I was very apprehensive about the place because whomsoever I mentioned it to murmured sympathetic words back. But I didn't want to be prejudiced against it just then. I wanted to give it a chance before I passed my judgement about it.

Our first day or rather night in Surat was quite surprising for me and my parents. We got down from the bus at around 11:30 at night and expected the roads to be deserted except a few autos maybe and ended up getting into a traffic jam. It was a lively and vibrant city with very simple and (most of the times) helpful people.

My time in Reliance had been very memorable too. I met different kinds of people. Learnt a lot about how offices work. Got a taste of the acerbic office politics. I learnt that its an unavoidable inevitable part in any job these days. But I guess what each job teaches you is....To lie... It teaches you to be tactful and be very diplomatic with your answers. These are some things they never teach you in school or colleges but which I suppose should be included in the first chapters of our curriculum. But I know they never will.

Well Surat as a place was the best place I had dwelled in my life till date. It is the safest place for girls. I won't say there is no eve-teasing....there were circumstances when me and my friend while getting back home from our dinner were followed by guys in bike. It happens everywhere right. But here these cases occurred in the ratio of one in a thousand. I have tried to infer a logical reason behind this anomaly and have come to this conclusion that guys don't tease girls here as much as in other parts of the nation because by the time guys get to that age they are already married off.... Ha..ha.. People in Gujarat marry quite early and you will literally see people barely passed out of high school and walking off with a kid in their arms. It gives me shivers down my spine. To be married that early in life and taking care of a family and having responsibilities is a little scary.

I have a friend there who is engaged and is planning to get married next year. Oh man.... That makes you feel old...ancient would be more appropriate....But then I guess I am doing things with my life which they are not and that is kind of a consolation...besides seeing them only makes you want to wait a little while longer and enjoying the singleton's life before taking that final plunge into apocalypse...

Suratis (people staying in Surat call them that) are very fond of food and are extremely fun loving people. The evidence of it can be witnessed every Sunday on the footpaths of the Piplod area. People throng these footpaths as if they are parks or gardens. From early evening to late night you will find people sitting on these footpaths and enjoying themselves. I went out with two of my friends to shop one Sunday and that was the last Sunday we ever went out.

People in office told me to go out on the New Year's night to see the crowd on the roads. I went to sleep by 11:30 because I wanted to get up the next day on my own bed and not a hospital bed. I was scared that I would die in stampede out there...

The city was beautiful... Situated on the banks of the river Tapi. And it became more enticing when I had great company to go out with. I made some wonderful friends out there. People whom I would want to be friends with for the rest of my life... People who made this alien city turn into a beautiful place with wonderful memories I always want to cherish. My special thanks to them for everything they have done for me and for being who they are.... You guys are indeed... Khoob-Surat....
XOXO

Different walks of life....

This is a long pending post... One which i intended to pen down months ago but something always got on the way... Sometimes circumstances... Sometimes my own habit of procrastination....Well I can't seem to recall when the thought of writing this post first struck me but I am sure it was somewhere between my transition from an oblivion to an observer that I started noticing these things, those funny things which make you laugh till your sides ache..

Well the choice of the title is because of the fact that it involves the description of different walks of people I have started noticing lately.

We have an elderly person in our office who walks as if he is throwing a tantrum and walking off from his mother. His hands swing almost to the height of his shoulders and his head tilts from one side to another while doing it. I have tried to mimic his walk several times and I can proudly say that I have almost perfected it. Then there is another guy who walks as if he is carrying bombs in his hand and is about to blow off the whole place. With legs and arms wide apart at the height of about 5'4 feet he looks almost comical except the time when one gets to see his stern countenance.
One of the weirdest and perhaps most menacing walks was of a guy who used to almost drag his feet as if he is limping and place his feet at an angle on the ground. It appeared to me that either he must have been involved in some crime act or was the survivor of a tragic war. But it was none and his half limp only made my brain churn up stories more implausible than the other.
Then there is the big boss of my plant who has the Charlie Chaplin mustache and walks as if someone had just waxed his underarms' hair. And last but definitely not the least... My boss who walks like a 18 year old teenaged wannabe!! Drooping his shoulders and swinging his hands as if picking up some invisible bucket!!! I guess sometimes people just can't get over their failed attempts to be cool.
Well I thank these people for giving me this wonderful topic to write about, without them and their unique but hilarious walks this post won't have been possible. May you walk with your heads held high and continue to inspire people like me.

What women want......

A lot of speculations have been made about what women want........what they desire.....what makes them happy.......Well getting it straight from a girl who is turning into a woman will probably give you guys more insight into what goes on in the convoluted minds of ours.

In today's era of women empowerment, we don't need a man to be the bread earner for the family. We are capable to earning and being good at it too. We don't need a guy to remind us of our shortcomings being a woman in a man's world.... We don't want them to think of us as baby making machines!!! (Many men get married because that's in our culture... Get married by the time they turn 28 because their families want them to start a family of their own.....not because they are in love with the girl!!!)

We want a man who loves us...
We want a man who can kill and get killed for us....(atleast in theory)
We want a man who is not afraid to show us off to his family....
We want a man who stands up for us...
We want a man who can cross seven oceans just to be with us for a day( not just in theory)
We want a man to indulge us in our fanciful fantasies...
We want a man to give us his time....
We want a man to actual listen to what we are saying and not simply hear it....
We want a man who realises that sacrifices in a relationship should be made from both the ends....
We want a man to help us up when we fall down and one who doesn't hesitate to ask for our hand when he's down too....
We want a man who once in a while fulfils our childish tantrums...
We want a man whom we can trust and bare our soul to.....
Well maybe that's too much to ask for.....and then again maybe it isn't....

Flowers are fine....

Chocolates are good too....

People say...a diamond is a woman's best friend.....
But what they don't realize is its just a sparkling rock in the finger without LOVE...... 

The Demise of a Legend - Steve Jobs

I've always been deeply effected by death of people....it seems like a desolate way to go....but "Death it seems is the only destination we all share."

The mournful demise of Steve Jobs left the world aghast late Wednesday night as this innovative and revolutionist entrepreneur fought his last battles against cancer. Born in San Francisco to Abdulfattah John Jandali and Joanne Simpson he was given up for adoption by his biological parents. He was then adopted by Paul Jobs and Clara Jobs. He attended  Cupertino Junior High and Homestead High School in Cupertino, California. After High school he enrolled in Reed college in Portland for graduation. So there he was in an expensive college where all his bourgeois family's savings were being used up in his tuition fees and he still had no idea what he wanted out of his life and no idea how college was going to help him figure it out. He saw no value being in college. So after his first semester he decided to drop out. But he stay around for 18 months attending various auditing classes before finally deciding to give it up. His bourgeois background made it hard for him to survive those days. He didn't have a dorm room so he slept on the floors of friends' rooms. He would return coke bottles for the 5 cent deposits to buy food with. He would walk the seven miles across the city on Sunday nights for the free food at Hare Krishna Temple. 

By late 70s Steve along with a few others founded Apple. Macintosh was a very successful product of theirs. But by mid 80s due to drift between Steve and  Apple's then CEO, Mr John Sculley he was relieved of his duties. This came as a blow to Steve but he didn't give up. He founded NeXT Computer that year and Pixar Image Computer the next year. Later in 1996 he returned to Apple after his company NeXT Computer was bought off by Apple. Steve Jobs then concentrated wholeheartedly on increasing the sales and market of Apple products. His innovative ideas,persuasion and charisma helped Apple gain its stature to number one in the market again. He changed customers' level of expectations from the makers. It brought a revolution into the digital world. With Macintosh, i-phone,i-pod and i-pad  apple became a household name. Their technical brilliance and innovative attitude made the world tremble in anticipation for the launch of their new products. 

From his life I take the inspiration to follow my heart, to do the kind of work I love....He said - “Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven’t found it yet, keep looking. Don’t settle. As with all matters of the heart, you’ll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on. So keep looking until you find it. Don’t settle.” 

His death is the world's loss.....We have lost a legend, a visionary and a man who didn't hesitate to follow his heart....who didn't let other people's opinions stop him from what he wanted to do or become. 

Steve Jobs made us believe in the letter " i " .......He was a legend and legends never die....they live on....

 Like he said - “I’ll always stay connected with Apple. I hope that throughout my life I’ll sort of have the thread of my life and the thread of Apple weave in and out of each other, like a tapestry. There may be a few years when I’m not there, but I’ll always come back. 

You'l always be missed.....Steve Jobs....May your soul R.I.P.......

My life...

For once I dn't want people telling me what to eat, when to eat.
For once I dn't want people telling me what to drink,why to drink.
For once I dn't want people telling me what to wear, how to wear.
For once I dn't want people telling me to smile, smile when I dn't want to.
For once I dn't want people telling me my shoes dn't look good, they dn't suit me.
For once I dn't want people telling me how to walk,when to walk.
For once I dn't want people telling me when to sleep and when to get up.
For once I dn't want people telling me that I am small,that that I am naive.
For once I dn't want people telling me where to sign,when to sign.
For once I dn't want people telling me what to read,when to read.
For once I dn't want people telling me when to go out,when to come back.
For once I dn't want people telling me whom to love, when to love.
For once I dn't want people telling me when to be polite,whom to be polite to.
For once I dn't want people telling me to be something I am not, something I dn't want to be.
For once....and for only once....I wanna be able to feel that I am free.
For once....and only for once....I wanna be able to cry when I want to.
For once....and only for once....I wanna be able to live my life on my own....

India - Republic of Corruption???

The desperate cries of a 72 year old Anna Hazare awakens the nation from it's deep slumber. People all over the country join hands to support this Padma Bhusan honoree in his fight against the most persistent socio-evil paralyzing the nation - Corruption.
From sports(CWG scam) to telephones(2G scam) to housing(Adarsh scam) corruption in India has conquered all fields. Applause to our ministers and government officers....and lets not forget the CBI for so conveniently wrapping up the scams with no one convicted everytime....Do they really think we are that ignorant!!!! A nation with more than 1.2 billion people and still we have endured all this for so long. It's a shame. Every time some scam comes up and a Minister is found to be linked with it, the CBI does its routine interrogation and then as soon as the issue gets cold the minister is acquitted!!!
Its time Indians......its time to get up and take things into our own hands...our future in our own hands...because we've all seen what happens when we leave matters in the house of the government....

A place she always belonged...

She  heaved and puffed as she pushed the heavy trolley piled with her bags. She has come to stay with her parents after a long time.The prospect of being under  their roof again after years of independent living paralysed her  internally though her face gave none of that away. The cool composure she exhibited betrayed the inner turmoil she was going through. She greeted her parents with the appropiate amount of enthusiam and replied politely to their enquires about how the flight was....if she ate anything. Her mother offered her one of the sandwitches she had made for her. She refused saying she was not hungry. She doozed off and was woken up by a gentle nudge from her Dad.

As she stepped into the house she witnessed many changes that took place  during her absence. The curtains of the living room changed, the furniture were placed differently now. As she stepped into her room memories of her childhood flooded in. But the room felt alien. None of the stuff that went up the cupboard belonged to her. The closets were not empty as they were when she left them but were filled with clothes she did not recognise as her own. The room resembled more like their old store room now. Sighing she went in and placed her bags on the floor. After a small supper that night she retired to her room and went to sleep.

Days passed and she got used to the monotony of life. No friends, no hangouts in the evenings, no parties,no Neel. But she did not complain. She had chosen this life for herself and she no longer had the priviledge of thinking what her life would have been otherwise.Neel could not marry her, his family would never allow it and she could no longer live in an arrangement where she could not have her happy ending. But they knew from the very start that they could never get married and lead a life together. Maybe she was trying to deceive fate, maybe she was trying to deceive herself that she might have a happy ending someday.  But reality did crash in and when it did it shattered all her illusions. She knew she had to walk out of it before it was too late, before she lost everything to him.

Sitting on the front porch with a cup of herbal tea in her hand, she sipped in the hot liquid lingering on her lips. She inhaled the fresh air listening to the distant chirping of the birds. She felt like a volcano ready to erupt and bring discord to her serene surrounding.She felt as if she was in war with herself. But in plain sight she looked as calm as the sea infront of her. More days passed and all she did was stay at home and watch soap operas in the television till her eyes got tired and she doozed off on the couch.For sometime now she has been feeling that she did not belong to this place anymore.She did not feel at home in her home anymore.She craved to be in a place where she belonged. She yearned to be at home.....

It was a Sunday afternoon when she decided to go for a walk on the beach. Her parents were off to their vacation in Rome which she had refused to join saying she needed to work on something. She used to be on the beach every Sunday since she was four. But its been years since she took a walk on that sandy ground. Now as she stepped into the granular sand infront of her she felt like going for a swim. Maybe a dip in the sea would  take it all away....her pain...her agony. Maybe she would finally feel at home. She has always belonged to the sea...it was a place she always belonged.

An hour later there were news flashes all over the world mourning the ravage caused by Tsunami. Her parents turned on the television to watch in horror that the place they called home no longer existed. That it is wiped  off the face of earth. 

For once.....

The invisible teardrops roll down the cheeks....
Do you see the pain I go through,
When I turn away from you.

The mist blinds and the cold numbs....
But the sorrow of staying away from you,
Thats what kills me each day.

I wish you could me mine....
For once I wanna believe that my life is a fairytale,
For once......it could be true....

FOUNTAINHEAD.......

Have you read the novel..."Fountainhead" ??? Well if you have not then I suggest you grab yourself a copy right away and start digging through it. It is one helluva eyeopener. The outrageous truths of the world thrown straight at one's face and one stares at it.....lighting struck......dumbfounded.
Its about a young aspiring architect and his struggle against the discriminations and injustice imposed on him for being what he was- an original. He was punished for being a true artist whose driving force was his unfaltering devotion for his work.
But the novel also centers around various other characters, each one more complicated than the other.... each one more despicable,more abominable than the other. As the story goes on one realizes the means and must I say, "obnoxious means" adopted by people to meet their ends. It exposes all the masks a man wears to strive in this world. All the masks that we live on....and all those we can't live on....
It is a long novel.....of about 700 pages....and there were times when reading it left me limp with disgust..... Disgust for my own kind. I know we all lie....and we all cheat....that there's a devil inside each of us. But to actually rip the skin off and to expose it to the world....it takes courage. It takes courage to even admit that man is capable of doing such vile things. And Ayn Rand has done just that. She has exposed the worst of man in the best possible way man can and I personally salute her for that.I have not read a novel like that in a long time. The abstruse human character and the intricate workings of the human mind have seldom been described with such eloquence. The novel is the creation of a genius who understands human nature impeccably....If you have not read it once in your lifetime......you have missed a great opportunity.....to know the world.....to know its people and most importantly to know yourself....
Take care....

Dedicated to Goldy and Flounder....

This is in memory of my two demised pets – Goldy and Flounder.



It was a warm summer afternoon when I was first introduced to the two puny creatures playfully swimming in the meager water held in a transparent packet. Trepidations ran through me as I held the bag and rested it on my lap.I was sanguine and happiness radiated from me like radiations from a radium. But soon apprehension and worry replaced them. My face contoured as scad of doubts flooded my mind.. I knew it wasn’t really a walk in the park to have a pet and to add fuel to the fire I had two!!! Having two pets in a room where there were three people already....I started doubting my decision. But thanks to my roommates they welcomed goldy and flounder with open arms.


I never had any water creatures as my pet and I didn’t have a scintilla of idea how to look after them. But I was assured that fishes were the most non-demanding pets of all who simply required one time feeding and once in a week cleansing.( changing the water). How difficult can it be.....I thought to myself...and it didn’t take me long to find out.


Feeding them once a day was an easy task. But cleaning what they excreted after being fed....that was a noisome task. In the beginning I hesitated a little to clean their shit but I knew I had to stop fretting about it sooner or later......so why not sooner. The bowl where I kept them was a small one...I wasn’t sure if it was spacious enough for the two of them. But they seemed fine with it....got a small pump to circulate oxygen in the water....


So goldy and flounder soon became a part of our lives......Abhi’s,Mani’s n my life....We used to feed them after coming back from our classes and they used to help me clean the water. Leaving a note if one of us had fed them already so that they don’t get overfed.(because I read in the net that it was detrimental for their health).


It was a late Sunday morning when I got up and as a daily ritual I peeked into the bowl to see if my gold fishes were ok. I was petrified to see that goldy and flounder had red patches all over their bodies, goldy being the more severely hit. I shrieked and woke Abhi and Mani up....The three of us poundered over what could have happened coming up with implausible theories. Without further dawdling the matter I started to search for vetenary doctors in the net....called friends if they knew of any doctor for animals themselves. Finally a friend called back and gave me the address and phone number of a doctor. I gave the doctor a call and arranged for an appointment.


The doctor after examining the two of them poured a few drops of a dark colored liquid into the water and advised me to frequently change the water in the bowl. Like the first spring sun lighting the world after a long and infernish winter,the words from the doctor lighted the somber winter in me . Somewhere in the corner of my heart I felt a taper of hope lite up.But as I entered the college premises I felt a jolt taking my breath away.....Goldy was listlessly floating on top of the water.


I guess I didn’t want to accept the fact that it was too late as i scurried and placed it in a huge bucket of water . With trembling hands as I poured the rest of the medicine into the water I knew it was of no avail. With tears streaming down my cheeks I collapsed by the side of the bucket. After what seemed like eternity I felt warm and comforting arms around me.


It was twilight when the three of us carried goldy and buried it under a tree. Lachrymosed I said my parting words to goldy asking it to forgive me. The pain of losing goldy was palpable.....


Consoling myself that I atleast had flounder with me I started off again. This time more chary and vigilent. It was 31th of May ’10 when I took flounder back to my sister’s place....my vacations had just started and I was looking forward to it. Summer went well. Flounder got a little darker. I was told that goldfishes need to be kept in sunlight to have that shimmering golden coat. So I shifted its bowl to the living room....It seemed happy there....Its fins and scales started changing color....It started getting bright. But a few days before my vacations were over one fine morning I found flounder floating limplessly in the water. All my attempts to resusciate it went in vain. Flounder was dead.


It was then, I decided not to have any pets of my own any time soon. The pain of losing a pet( in my case two) was rueful enough to even bother of thinking of having one in the near future. All the consolations and sympathy seem hollow when you lose something or someone you love to death....It still sends a shiver down my spine....the woeful memories when I lost them.

Home...Holidays...Driving...or maybe not!!!!!!

This is a random post....I have nothing in my mind that I specifically wanna write about, but its been long since I wrote something and I am sure the phoenix was getting lonely by the hour !!! ;P

I've come home for a few days. Holidays......you see. Oh...I love summer....well the one here in guwahati.... Its always cloudy and raining .You don't need the fan running at full speed all time...just a moderate rotation of the wings is enough... It even feels like the beginning of spring here sometimes..you know what I mean.....pleasant mornings.. when you have to take a blanket or a sheet because the mercury drops...cloudy afternoons and absolutely fabulous evenings.You can feel the wind blowing through your hair and the moisture in the air....There's something in the air and water of this place that draws me back to itself each time I plan to go away. Some invisible magnetism I suppose......Even the silence here is filled with melody. The morning call of the roaster....the chirping of the birds..the whispering of the leaves....there's always music floating in the air.....well if you care to listen though...

Well I've been planning on getting started with my driving lessons this summer.....*sigh*(no I don't know how to drive yet). Well my dad tells me to get up at five in the morning for that!!! Holy cow!!! Who gets up at five even on holidays. Its a cardinal sin !!!! But each night before going to bed I ask my mom to wake me up at five and each day she unfailingly fails to do so because the moment she calls out my name, I make a face at her and turn around. And the irony of the situation...... instead of a staccato command to get up...mom kisses me and tells me to go back to sleep too!!! Well that's what happens when you stay away from home for so long...parents let you do anything you want!!!! But it's only been three days since I've been home...so I've still got some time to crash my car into something I suppose...lol....
Until my crash.......adieu.....

Spell you away......

When you said goodbye....

I never thought I heard it right.
Though now I see...
It was all a facade from the very start.
I flinched and twisted in pain to get over you...
And now that I've...you have started haunting me in my dreams.
I wish I could simply spell you away...
Like in some wizard tale they do everyday.


I wonder if you recall all the promises you made...
Or the sugar-coated lies you said.
I want to believe that you are the monster everybody claims you to be....
But when I look into your eyes that's not what I see.
I grasp to hold on to you....
But find that you are only slipping through.
Even in my thoughts...
I feel your stolidity towards me.


Sometimes I wonder if you were blind.....
Because you could never see my broken heart lying there by your side.
I wish there was a cure for broken hearts....
A cast or a plaster which might heal some parts.
But I guess you'll never know.....
And now I really wish I could spell you away...
Like in some wizard tale they do everyday.